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Woman dies in mysterious Piano Accident After

Leaving the Rosa– (Portsmouth, NH)

 

39-year old Martha Brigham died last Wednesday just moments after leaving the Rosa Restaurant. Witnesses say a piano, suspended just outside the entrance to the eatery, fell as Brigham stepped onto a white ‘X’ painted on the sidewalk. The 800 pound instrument killed Brigham instantly.

 

Foul play was not suspected though the official police report stated Brigham had tipped only ten cents on a $150.00 meal. “No, no, no,” said police chief Steven Dubois, “It’s a clear case of a musical tragedy. I mean, yes, if you tip ten cents on a bill that size, you deserve to die. But a piano? On a string? This isn’t toon town. People don’t kill people like that.”

 

Bartender Erin Mahoney, who served the deceased, was the last to see her alive. “Poor dear didn’t even have a chance,” says Mahoney while tapping a large pair of scissors on the bar. She cracks a slight smile and lights a cigarette. “I only wish there was something I could have done.”

 

Brigham is the third patron in two weeks to perish just outside of the Rosa. 53-year old Cecil Abels fell into a pit of Cobras and 11-year old Debby Kelly was vaporized by a grenade in her backpack. “There is clearly no connection between the deaths,” Dubois said nervously in a statemet outside of the Rosa. “Bad tipping is bad karma. Case closed. Now lets get the hell outta here, this place gives me the willys.”

 

Mayor Eric Spear gave his condolences at Brigham’s funural. “It’s clear that Martha deserved to die, no one denies it. (crowd nods) But a piano? It’s a tragic way to go.”

 

“Probably pretty quick though,” a man shouts from the back of the room.

 

“That’s true…I guess,” Spear admits

 

“And kind of poetic,” a young woman adds. The crowd murmurs sounds of agreement.

 

“Alright! Alright! It was a great death, law-dee-daw! Lets give her a fricken medal! I mean, I’m up here throwing my emotions around and you meat-bags are laughing at me. Laughing!! This is a funural for fucks sake. Have some butt-fucking respect!”

 

Ken Woollett

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photos are courtesy of Tina Marney. You can view the rest of her work here, www.tinamarney.com

 

 

The lineup for the 2013 festival

 

Brett West (MA)

Jonah Tolchin (NJ)

Dan Blakeslee (MA)

Guy Capecelatro III (NH)

Anthony Caligagan (France)

People Skills (NH)

Rick Rude (NH)

Happy Jawbone Family Band (VT)

Fire Tower (NH)

Moonlight Nightgown Squad (NY and NH)

 

Art by Sam Paolini, Ryan Harrison, and Joel Kutylowski

– along with other fantastical installations by the Pratt family.

 

e: ptdtickets@gmail.com