Tristan Law to Purchase and Renovate Press Room- (Portsmouth, NH)
For over thirty years, the Press Room has been the Seacoast's live music source. Opened in 1976 by Jay Smith with an emphasis on live jazz and folk music, the pub became a second living room for many of its patrons. In 1995, Jay Gardner took the reigns and has continued to offer live music seven nights a week while also expanding the entertainment to include blues, bluegrass, rockabilly, and even Latin jazz.. Tristan Law took one look at the Press Room and saw the future. Tristan invited the Seacoast Truth to his Kittery residence to reveal his plan for Portsmouth’s most storied Bar.
“People think I’m crazy,” Law tells me outside of his Kittery home. “Portsmouth is in the midst of a crisis and I’m the crazy one! Did you know Portsmouth has the highest KBR in all of New England? 14.2 baby cats per day… Per day! Now let me ask you this. Who’s going to feed all those wittle kitties?”
Inside Law’s house, the smell of cat feces is paralyzing. Somewhere between 30 and 50 cats fill the open-concept home. The carpeting is covered in several inches of fur and the walls are lined with photographs of cats in human clothing. The sound is loud and constant; a combination of meows, purrs, and Law’s incessant giggling. Tristan returns from the kitchen with a Siamese cat on either shoulder and a cup of tea in hand. He has removed his pants and drawn three whiskers on either side of his face. “Welcome to Kitty City! And I’m King Kitty! Tee hee, hooray!”
I was in the den of a madman. I needed to escape.
Law continued to rant as I eyed the exits. There was a backdoor, a front door, and a large window overlooking the back porch. If I could excuse myself to the bathroom then perhaps I could...
“Going somewhere?” he said. Tristan was glaring at me now, stroking a Calico cat cradled in his arm. A stillness filled the room as the sound of cats ceased. Countless green and yellow eyes were suddenly fixed on the outsider. Time was frozen. The psychopath crouched smoothly down on all fours, his gaze staying fixed on the target, head sunk to the ground.
He took a step forward. The cats moved forward as one. One…organism.
The King Kitty bared his teeth.
I sprinted for the window. KK roared as cats rained from all directions, their claws and teeth sinking in sharply. Between 15 to 20 latched on, but they did little to slow my momentum. I dove.
Glass filled my vision as in cat and human blood covered the porch. I had broken my arm on the fall, but there was no time to waste. The relentless cats continued to claw and bite as I staggered to my feet. I could feel the warm cat venom pulsing through my veins as I fumbled for my keys. My legs began to buckle.
Just then, a gunshot rang out. “Get your dirty stinking claws off him!” a voice bellowed. I twisted around to see three dogsled teams, led by non other than Tristan’s Father, Magnus Law.
“Tristan! I know I’ve failed you as a father, but now you’ve gone too far. This ends today! Charge!!!”
As the dogsleds closed in the cats began to scatter. King Kitty let out a final roar.
I jumped in my car and sped away.
‘Tristan’s Tuna Barn’ looks to open by December and is currently taking applications. Dog lovers need not apply.
Photos are courtesy of Tina Marney. You can view the rest of her work here, www.tinamarney.com
The lineup for the 2013 festival
Brett West (MA)
Jonah Tolchin (NJ)
Dan Blakeslee (MA)
Guy Capecelatro III (NH)
Anthony Caligagan (France)
People Skills (NH)
Rick Rude (NH)
Happy Jawbone Family Band (VT)
Fire Tower (NH)
Moonlight Nightgown Squad (NY and NH)
Art by Sam Paolini, Ryan Harrison, and Joel Kutylowski
– along with other fantastical installations by the Pratt family.