Newly Developed Biological Communication System to
Render Cell Phones Obsolete – (Palo Alto, CA) –
In a powerful statement, the genetic engineering company Ingen declared Monday that cell phones would be obsolete by 2015. The basis for this claim? Their newly developed Telescopic Algorithmical Linguistic Kosmositron. The Kosmositron or TALK, is essentially a robot imprinted with the DNA of its owner. TALK will fly at light speed to your desired recipient and deliver your message personally. Ingen claims the TALKs are so indiscernible from their human counterparts, that family members will have trouble telling them apart.
“We've made biological communication so astounding, it will capture the imagination of the entire planet,” said Ingen CEO John Hammond in a CNN interview. “People are tired off cell phones, I wanted to show them something that wasn't an illusion. Something that was real, something that they could see and touch. And there's no doubt; our TALKs will drive kids our of their minds!”
Hammond was joined on the show by renowned Mathematician/Chao-tician Ian Malcolm, “If I may... Um, I'll tell you the problem with the scientific power that you're using here, it didn't require any discipline to attain it. You read what others had done and you took the next step. You didn't earn the knowledge for yourselves, so you don't take any responsibility for it. You stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as you could, and before you even knew what you had, you patented it, and packaged it, and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now (bangs on table) you're selling it, you wanna sell it.”
“I am not only offended, I am hurt Mr. Malcolm,” Hammond responded. “I've been present for the birth of every little TALK on the island. You sir, suffer from a deplorable excess of personality, especially for a mathematician!”
Isla Nubar, the island to which Hammond refers, is the base of TALK research and development. Located 15 miles off the coast of Costa Rica, Isla Nubar has been a safe haven for unregulated genetic experimentation for the past decade. Initial test results on the product have been promising, with Ingen claiming that TALK users (Talkers) experience a boost in frontal cortex activity not seen with traditional cell phone or facebook use. The company has plans to develop the product further, to a point where TALK can assume the physical appearance of the person you wish to communicate with.
Head of Ingen Security Ausi Muldoon had this to say about the TALKs, “They show extreme intelligence, even problem-solving intelligence. Especially the big one. We bred eight originally, but when she came in she took over the pride and killed all but two of the others. That one... when she looks at you, you can see she's working things out. That's why we have to feed them like this. She had them all attacking the fences when the feeders came.”
Ingen’s plan to release TALK five years ago was delayed when 8 visitors to the island went mysteriously missing. Rumors of robotic homocide were quickly dismissed though, when deranged employee Dennis Nedry was found hiding behind the vending machines with a bloody knife.
“All major communication system have delays,” Hammond explains. “When they released the Iphone in 1956, nothing worked! This time is different. We spared no expense.”
Photos are courtesy of Tina Marney. You can view the rest of her work here, www.tinamarney.com
The lineup for the 2013 festival
Brett West (MA)
Jonah Tolchin (NJ)
Dan Blakeslee (MA)
Guy Capecelatro III (NH)
Anthony Caligagan (France)
People Skills (NH)
Rick Rude (NH)
Happy Jawbone Family Band (VT)
Fire Tower (NH)
Moonlight Nightgown Squad (NY and NH)
Art by Sam Paolini, Ryan Harrison, and Joel Kutylowski
– along with other fantastical installations by the Pratt family.