saltyspeakers@gmail.com

Deck Bars to Stay Open an additional 6 weeks after

Drunk Lady Sees Her Shadow – (Portsmouth, NH)

 

In the time-honored tradition, 87 year-old Magnis McCue awoke from hibernation and confirmed that the Portsmouth Deck bars would once again remain open an additional 6 weeks. Magnis emerged from her cave underneath Harpoon Willy’s early Friday morning and was greeted by a large crowd of excited locals, eager to get a glimpse at the barnacle-covered beast. After 15-minutes of flailing on the ground while speaking in tongues, Magnis approached the bar and demanded a drink. Somewhat star-struck, the young bartender Eric Glipson took too much time with the cocktail, sending the sea-hag into a rage. Diving across the bar, she bit into his neck and fed upon his life essence.

 

Portsmouth police chief Steven DuBois, who was already on the scene, had this to say about the incident, “Firstly, I’m not about to lock someone up who’s personally responsible for extending the drinking season every year. And secondly, if you can’t prepare a quick Scotch and Soda in this town, you deserve to have your life essence sucked out.” Witnesses to the event agreed that the Bartender was being selfish and should have known better.

 

Once thoroughly liquored up, the 600 pound Ogress proceeded to consume all of the half-smoke cigarette butts left in the ashtrays, pausing between trays to urinate and shout obscenities. “You see,” chief DuBois explained to the crowd, “She’s markin’ the area right now, letting us know that we’re on her turf. She is one clever Gorgon.” Kittery resident Seth Gooby began to approach Magnis to offer her a cigarette, but was quickly tasered by the police for his own protection.

 

After two hours of ceremonial dance and bowl movements, the creature staggered, vomited, and fell back into the sea, soaking the entire crowd with her walrus-like splash. The silence was broken by a young woman in the back of the crowd. “Did she see her shadow?” she yellled. “Of Course she did!,” DuBois proclaimed, “Weren’t you even watching??”

 

And so once again the drinking season is extended another 6 weeks. And as with every year, many questions remained unanswered. Who is Magnis McCue? Why does she prefer Scotch? Can she breathe underwater? Is she single? Perhaps we will never know. But in the words of our wise police chief,

 

“Shut up and drink you babbling pussy, it’s still drinking season.”

 

- Guy Lessard Lefebvre III

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photos are courtesy of Tina Marney. You can view the rest of her work here, www.tinamarney.com

 

 

The lineup for the 2013 festival

 

Brett West (MA)

Jonah Tolchin (NJ)

Dan Blakeslee (MA)

Guy Capecelatro III (NH)

Anthony Caligagan (France)

People Skills (NH)

Rick Rude (NH)

Happy Jawbone Family Band (VT)

Fire Tower (NH)

Moonlight Nightgown Squad (NY and NH)

 

Art by Sam Paolini, Ryan Harrison, and Joel Kutylowski

– along with other fantastical installations by the Pratt family.

 

e: ptdtickets@gmail.com