saltyspeakers@gmail.com

City-wide Poll Finds Only Three People Actually Like

British Beer Company - (Portsmouth, NH)

 

In a city-wide poll undertaken over the last several weeks, an independent research company found that only 3 people in Portsmouth enjoy going to the British Beer Company. The ‘I like the British Beer Company’ option registered .0041% of the overall tally, with 97.3% voting ‘I dislike the British Beer Company.’

 

“The poll was very straight forward,” said Chris Belanger, Senior member of the research group. “You first picked one of three options, ‘Like’, ‘Dislike’, or ‘No Opinion.’ Then, if so inclined, you could write in your reasons. Most of the useful insight came from the write-in section. Fill ins like ‘Corporate’ and ‘Bad Food’ were used repeatedly alongside ‘There’s a real British Pub across the street’ and ‘Are you kidding me?’” We waited outside one polling station to gain further insight.

 

“Well,” said Newmarket resident Ryan Harrison, “I mostly like hanging out with my little kitty Gracy. She’s a ball of fun with sprinkles on top. Meow, meow, meow, meow…” Clearly thinking we were talking about something else, Ryan continued to meow as we slowly backed away. 43 year-old British immigrant Colin Birch had more relevant insight, “Boncha bollucks if yuh ask me. Place is like shaggin’ yar sistar.” 26 year-old Matt Robinson shared the sentiment, “I’d rather shove my foot, up my ass, through my body, and into my mouth then go to the BBC.”

 

The British Beer Company released a statement in response to the publication of the study. “We at the British Beer Company believe in serving edible foods and drinkable beer. We put the utmost emphasis on quality stuff and other good things or whatever. But our main concern is not the locals. We made this clear when we built this bitch into that terrible hotel development. The hotels provide us with a steady flow of hungry meat-bags from distant lands. These people like clean bathrooms, predictable menus, and big fat fake smiles. We don’t see what all the hoopla is all about when the locals have a perfectly good pub right across the street. What self-respecting Portsmouth citizen would actually come here anyways?”

 

As predicted, the study has had no effect on business for the BBC since it’s release, but local hippies who wanted to seem like they were getting things done without actually accomplishing anything seem very satisfied with the results.

 

-Ron Silva

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photos are courtesy of Tina Marney. You can view the rest of her work here, www.tinamarney.com

 

 

The lineup for the 2013 festival

 

Brett West (MA)

Jonah Tolchin (NJ)

Dan Blakeslee (MA)

Guy Capecelatro III (NH)

Anthony Caligagan (France)

People Skills (NH)

Rick Rude (NH)

Happy Jawbone Family Band (VT)

Fire Tower (NH)

Moonlight Nightgown Squad (NY and NH)

 

Art by Sam Paolini, Ryan Harrison, and Joel Kutylowski

– along with other fantastical installations by the Pratt family.

 

e: ptdtickets@gmail.com