City of Portsmouth approves 2.7 Billion Dollar Floating

Soccer Arena in Great Bay – (Portsmouth, NH)


In a unanimous decision, the City Council of Portsmouth approved the plans to build a 2.7 billion dollar floating soccer arena in Great Bay. The project will begin in the wake of similar projects aimed at re-branding the area as tourist friendly and ready to grow. Previous projects include three new hotels, skyrocketing of rent, and the complete demolition of the Isles of Shoals. Analysts at the National Center for Economic Development predict the money generated from the re-branding projects should soon make Portsmouth the richest city on the East Coast. We spoke Mayor Eric Spear about the drastic facelift the region has seen.


“Blowing up the Isles of Shoals was a real step forward for the town,” says Spear. “It sent a message to the world, really set the tone. When that baby went up, it was like, BOOM! Suck on that Shoals! And now we have a clear path for cruise liners to ferry in the tourists.” The demolition, which drew a crowd of over 400,00, could also be seen from space. Spear hopes to create the same ‘buzz’ with the Soccer Arena.


Appropriately dubbed, ‘Aquadome’, the arena will host International Soccer matches, Nickleback concerts, and Monster-Truck Rallys. With a capacity of 80,000, the Aquadome should provide adequate entertainment for everyone and their extended family. The Arena will feature a Dog-Track, 4 Olympic-size swimming pools, a state-of-the-art Casino, and 15 Subway Restaurants. According to inside sources several underwater hotels are also in the works.


Surprisingly, construction of the arena parking lot had already begun before the vote on the Aquadome had passed. Built on the previous location of the Great Bay Wildlife refuge, the parking lot will feature 15,000 spaces, 4 subways, and a Banana Republic. Environmentalists had little to say about the lot. “Fuck it,” says local Marine Biologist Ken Rithgen, “Who even cares at this point? They blew up the Isles of Shoals for Christ’s Sake.”


Though most of the City remains confused about the project, confusion is better than pissed-off says Spear. “There’s a reason we made the arena capacity 4 times the population of the town. It doesn’t make any sense! While those suckers are busy scratching their heads, we’re breaking ground. I’m so fucking smart and rich I can barely handle myself.” Mayor Spear all but silenced opposition for the project last year with his ‘Green Portsmouth’ campaign. The campaign consisted of Spear personally apologizing to environmental protestors and rubbing their stomachs in a circular motion till they fell asleep. “Hippies here don’t care about getting things done,” says Spear. “They just want to feel like they’re getting things done, then fall gently to sleep. You have to admire that lack of determination, I really don’t know how they do it.”


All in all, the project seems like a homerun for the seacoast soccer scene and strong step in a random direction for the City.


-Brian Bogus




































































Photos are courtesy of Tina Marney. You can view the rest of her work here,



The lineup for the 2013 festival


Brett West (MA)

Jonah Tolchin (NJ)

Dan Blakeslee (MA)

Guy Capecelatro III (NH)

Anthony Caligagan (France)

People Skills (NH)

Rick Rude (NH)

Happy Jawbone Family Band (VT)

Fire Tower (NH)

Moonlight Nightgown Squad (NY and NH)


Art by Sam Paolini, Ryan Harrison, and Joel Kutylowski

– along with other fantastical installations by the Pratt family.